Speed Racer (2008)
The Plot:
Young Speed Racer: Vroom vroom! I have no attention for my schoolwork because I want to go fast!
Inexplicably British School Authorities: Speeeeeed Racer! Grr!
Unnamed Audience Surrogate: Hey, are you guys seeing this? These, like...colors? It's as though a bunch of Skittles threw up mini-Skittles, and then those Skittles learned to talk and drive cars made of ivory and neon. Is this what Japan looks like?
Morpheus: He is The One.
Time to Deletion: 12:37.
Crimes: brain-melting color palette, emphatically insulting the viewer's intelligence every thirty seconds
Prom Night (2008)
The Plot:
Generic Blonde Girl: Hey mom, hey dad, I'm home. OMG, a murderer! ... and then I wake up.
Psychiatrist: My purpose here is to bring the audience up to speed about some basic facts vis a vis your entire family being murdered three years ago by a crazed high school teacher.
Generic Blonde Girl: And they were murdered! Three years ago! I thought I was over it, but the dreams -- the dreams have started again.
Psychiatrist: That's heavy-handed foreshadowing. Let me cool your fevered brain with some made-up psychobabble.
Generic Blonde Girl: The psychobabble! It does nothing!
Psychiatrist: The important thing is that tomorrow is your prom, the most important night of your life, and there's no way a murderer who is imprisoned 2,000 miles away from here -- and has been for the last 3 years -- is going to ruin that. Now, how about some ice cream?
Generic "Teenage" Boy: I'd go for some ice cream. And so would my non-threatening good looks. I love prom, and I'm so glad I could spend it with my favorite cardboard cut-outs. When I smile, you can see the future in my pearly whites. Additionally, I'm 35.
Murderer: You're all gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!
Time to deletion: 17:47, with 32x fast-forwarding.
Crimes: "everybody's a narrator" syndrome, BBF syndrome, casting Idris Elba in a utility role as The Concerned Cop
Currently watching Charlie Bartlett, which is so far only mediocre and thus tolerable. Updates to come.